| I came from good people. | | | | simply to talk to her. So, he would go outside and |
| I didn't always know that. | | | | they would talk for a while about the state of |
| You know, it's funny. When I was 18 I sustained | | | | things in the neighborhood and he would reassure |
| an eye injury. (Okay, maybe it wasn't THAT | | | | her that there was peace and when they were |
| funny.) The coral I was sterilizing for my fish tank | | | | done he would come in and say, "Well, she is just |
| overheated and exploded. I was hit in the eye, | | | | as sweet as peaches and cream" and that would |
| scratching my cornea and the rebound of the hit | | | | be it. And we stopped being afraid of what we |
| resulted in what the medical folks among you will | | | | didn't understand. And sometimes we kids would |
| recognize as a contra-coup lesion of my retina. | | | | sit on the porch with her and just talk about stuff. |
| Think of it like whiplash of the eye...it gets | | | | And when my younger sister told her that she |
| smashed in and then snaps forward and the | | | | had a headache and was advised to place a towel |
| snapping forward part was strong enough to | | | | on her head and you saw them both sitting there |
| cause a bit of a tear at the back of my eyeball. | | | | draped as they were it just made sense. And old, |
| That wasn't the significant part though. The | | | | crazy woman and a young slip of a girl with |
| significant part was when the doctor told me I | | | | towels on their heads on a summer afternoon |
| had "the retinas of a 60 year old." During the | | | | just talking about stuff and enjoying the day. It's |
| exam they discovered I had little deposits on both | | | | one of my favorite memories. |
| my retina, called drusen, that signify the early | | | | Fear was never my father's first reaction. |
| stages of macular degeneration. Macular | | | | Do you have ANY idea what a gift it was to be |
| degeneration is a condition that ultimately results | | | | taught that lesson? |
| in a person losing the center of their field of vision | | | | You know what's funny about this? I didn't even |
| so they can only see things around the edges or | | | | realize until sitting here, at age 42, right this very |
| periphery. At 42, I still see fine. Full field of vision. | | | | moment when I typed that sentence what it was |
| No need for you to worry. (You were a little | | | | that my dad had shown me. I've spent a lot of |
| worried, weren't you?) | | | | my life looking head on. Even though the lesson |
| Now, I realize that there is actually a lot to be | | | | influenced me profoundly it hadn't been something |
| said for peripheral vision and that's how I | | | | I could see directly. (Now maybe you understand |
| discovered that I came from good people. | | | | why my heart starts to get happy when I sit |
| When you look at my parents straight on, this is | | | | down to write this every month.) |
| what you might see: | | | | One of the memories I have of my mother was |
| My father is a retired heating and air conditioning | | | | of her getting off a long phone conversation. It |
| wholesaler from the South Side of Chicago. He's | | | | was maybe an hour long call. |
| mostly a hermit who is happy with his dogs and | | | | A call from a wrong number. |
| his garden. He doesn't call. He's not a social | | | | Yes, my mother could talk just as long to |
| butterfly. Never a gabby man, his hearing loss has | | | | someone she didn't know, with just as much |
| made him even less so over the years. My mom | | | | laughter and enthusiasm as someone she had |
| had 4 kids and a high school education and when | | | | known for years. And it almost appeared to dawn |
| the apartment complex she worked for was | | | | on her later, with a little surprise when she saw in |
| bought out by a new company and she was let | | | | everyone else's reactions, that this was probably |
| go the only job she could find at age 60 was as a | | | | not typical. As if she had never considered that |
| pit clerk in a casino in Northwest Indiana. | | | | "wrong numbers" were mistakes and such |
| Pretty simple people, really. You might notice | | | | mistakes needed to be corrected as soon as |
| them shopping at Sears or seated at the table | | | | possible because one simply doesn't talk to |
| next to you at The Wagon Wheel ordering the | | | | strangers for no good reason. She always found |
| Country Breakfast. | | | | a good reason for them to have called her, |
| But when you start to shift your gaze, you see in | | | | mistake or not. She might even give them a good |
| my father a man who passed up a chance to | | | | recipe while she was at it. |
| attend the Art Institute of Chicago to run a | | | | "Stranger" was never my mother's first |
| heating and air conditioning warehouse so he could | | | | assessment of people. |
| support his family. You'd see a 73 year old man | | | | And do you have any idea how much love has |
| who still talks to his best friend from 1st grade | | | | come in to my life by learning THAT lesson? |
| nearly every day. A man with the touch of St. | | | | It's ironic because had you looked at them as a |
| Francis (his name is Frank by the way) who could | | | | couple, in the center of your vision, you would |
| probably get a grizzly bear to eat from his hand. | | | | have seen two people who simply co-existed in |
| And you would see in my mother a woman who | | | | our house for a long, long time. My parents |
| turned away from a full college scholarship | | | | divorced after 28 years of marriage. Why they |
| because she wanted to be a mom. And you'd | | | | weren't able to give each other what I saw them |
| hear her laugh. And you'd notice how no matter | | | | make available to strangers time and time again, I |
| where she went somehow people in need would | | | | don't know. Maybe it's like the sun. Maybe real |
| always see that she was someone who would | | | | love is that strong...you can only handle the |
| listen to them and they would readily seek her | | | | periphery of it. Maybe there is a risk that if you |
| advice. You'd see a woman who, although she | | | | go fully, directly in to the belly of the thing that it |
| can't always afford it, appreciates craftsmanship | | | | will consume you. |
| and quality and the history behind an artfully | | | | I don't know. But I do know that a lot of times |
| wrought object. | | | | people shy away from intimacy. How long are |
| And if you kept going and shifted your gaze as | | | | you willing to let someone just sit silently, openly |
| far as you could, until you could only see the | | | | looking you directly in the eye before you look |
| farthest periphery...the things that you might so | | | | away? We don't always like to be seen that fully. |
| easily miss if you were the least bit distracted this | | | | We can't always handle the direct focus. Maybe |
| is what you would see...this is who they really are | | | | for some of us, the periphery is the only place |
| when they don't know anyone is looking... | | | | we really feel safe enough to let ourselves |
| My earliest memory of my father was when we | | | | connect. |
| were still living in Chicago, so I was probably 4. It | | | | For myself, I want to practice using my full field |
| was late and there was pounding on the door of | | | | of vision while I have that option. |
| our flat. A drunken man had lost his way home | | | | I want to practice approaching people from all |
| and had mistakenly tried to enter ours. My father | | | | angles and just look, as much as I can, without |
| answered and I remember, even as a small child | | | | judgment. |
| as I watched from the landing above, my father's | | | | You see a pattern of crystals arranged and you |
| compassion and the soothing way he re-oriented | | | | think, "Oh, that's mostly purple, and I see shapes |
| the man and got him on his way. | | | | that look like daisies." Then you turn the tube and |
| While that memory might well be questioned due | | | | you say, "Well now it's mostly yellow with little |
| to my age I can tell you this was not a unique | | | | red lightning bolts." We give the kaleidoscope full |
| event. When we moved to Indiana we had a | | | | permission to shift and change and surprise us |
| woman on our block. In retrospect I understand | | | | with it's transformations by letting the crystals |
| she must have been schizophrenic but as a child | | | | recombine and be viewed from multiple angles by |
| all we knew was that she was crazy. She was | | | | the little mirrors inside. We don't get mad when |
| unkempt and usually quite docile but periodically | | | | the picture changes. In fact, we'd say the |
| she would grab a very large stick and march | | | | kaleidoscope was broken and demand a full |
| down the street going from house to house. You | | | | refund if it didn't! |
| had better believe we ran like the dickens when | | | | Maybe we can practice seeing each other the |
| we saw that...you just don't want to hang around | | | | same way. Maybe we can expect to be surprised |
| when you see a crazed and wild looking woman in | | | | and to have our view of each other challenged. |
| mismatched clothes coming at you with a big | | | | Maybe we can look from different angles and |
| stick. | | | | say, "Oh, that's them, too! I thought they were |
| But you see, it wasn't a club. It was her scepter. | | | | like this but now I see that they are ALSO like |
| And the towel on her head...well, it was a crown | | | | that. And sometimes, when I hold them up to the |
| of sorts. She was the Queen of our Land and all | | | | light I can see this part that I never realized was |
| she wanted to do was to visit her subjects and | | | | there before." |
| find out how things were going for us. I know | | | | Maybe we can all practice just that one simple |
| that because my father was the one person who | | | | thing. |
| decided that the best way to understand her was | | | | |